As a parent, navigating the needs of an autistic child alongside the needs of their neurotypical siblings can be very challenging.

While supporting your autistic child is vessential, it’s equally important to recognise the unique needs and experiences of their siblings. The following are some practical strategies for parents:

1. Schedule one-on-one time with siblings of autistic children

Some ideas for doing this are:

1. END THE DAY on a good note with:
   • A bedtime story
   • 10 minutes when you tell your children 3 positive things about themselves or ask them 3 memorable things that
     happened that day
2. Give the GIFT OF ATTENTION
   It can be hard to set aside regular time each day. Instead, when your children want to talk, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention, including putting away devices
3. Make time for SPECIAL ACTIVITIES for each individual child. This could be taking them to the swimming pool, or a movie, or even for an ice-cream or ais kacang outing
4. ASK FOR HELP
   If possible, ask a trusted family member, another parent from an autism support group, or a babysitter to look after your autistic child for a day or weekend. This will allow you to spend one-on-one time with your other children. Consider taking turns with other parents of autistic children to give everyone the chance to spend quality time with their other children.

2. Family activities for autistic children and their siblings

To help them bond, find activities they can enjoy together and build positive memories. These can be home-based, like
board games, or outdoor activities, like playing in the park, swimming, or nature walks.

Start with activities that the autistic child prefers, as they may be more motivated and relaxed. Choose interactive
activities or those that can be enjoyed alongside each other with minimal interaction.

Activities with low to minimal interaction

• Watching a favourite cartoon
• Going for a nature walk
• Swimming
• Playing at a water tray or sand tray
• Cycling

Activities using shared materials

• Baking and cooking together: sharing the utensils
• Play-doh: sharing the rolling pins and cutters
• Art and Craft: sharing pens, glue, scissors etc.
• Building Lego: sharing the pieces

Encouraging siblings to take an interest in each other’s hobbies and activities is also helpful. For example, if the autistic child attends a club or plays on a sports team, their siblings could join some sessions. Similarly, the autistic child could watch their siblings play sports or take part in a school competition.

3. Managing challenging feelings

Help your children manage challenging feelings by:

Acknowledging your children’s feelings.

For example, if your child says, “I hate playing with Mei Mei because she breaks my toys”, you can respond with, “That must be very frustrating.’

Listen and respond in a non-judgmental way.

For example, you might say, “I am not angry with you. Tell me what happened and how it made you feel.”

Look for healthy outlets for their feelings.

For example, drawing, painting, or music can be good ways to express big feelings.

Model the kind of behaviour you want to see.

Share your own feelings to help your children understand their feelings are natural. For example, say “I feel sad sometimes too when your brother does that, but that’s okay.”

4. Setting family rules, roles and responsibilities

It’s important for children to feel they are treated fairly and that they are making a valuable contribution to family life. This helps everyone work together as a team and teaches them important life skills for living independently.

Here are some tips:

Help your children manage challenging feelings by:

Set fair family rules: Make rules that are fair and enforced consistently for all children.

Handle behaviour fairly: Be fair and consistent when dealing with any aggressive or hurtful behaviour from all your children.

Assign age-appropriate tasks: Assign tasks and chores that match your children’s ages, abilities, and strengths.

Involve children in decisions: When children are old enough, include them in decisions about their autistic sibling’s care.

Whenever possible, let your autistic child be part of the decision-making, using any communication methods that work for them.

5. Discuss the future openly

Plan early for your autistic child’s future care needs. As soon as they are old enough to understand, discuss these plans with your other children.

Reassure your children that while their support is appreciated, they should not feel pressured to become caregivers for their autistic siblings. This is especially important while children are young, as the thought of long-term caregiving can influence their life decisions, such as education, career, and family planning. The burden of future responsibility can also cause significant mental distress to siblings. (Quatrosi et al, 2023)

Encourage siblings to express their feelings and remind them they are entitled to their own lives and identities, separate from being the sibling of someone with autism. Emphasise that this doesn’t mean they love their siblings any less. In families with multiple children, it’s natural for some siblings to have different levels of interest in their autistic sibling, and that’s okay too.

6. Encouraging support networks outside of the family

Having a family member with autism can feel isolating. An autism family support group can be a great way to meet others in similar situations. It also gives your children the chance to meet other siblings of autistic children, helping them realise they’re not alone and that their feelings are natural. This support can improve family relationships.

You can find formal and informal support groups across Malaysia through Facebook groups such as the Malaysia Autism  Parents Support Group & Special Needs (MAPSG), autism advocacy NGOs such as the National Autism Society of  Malaysia, or your child’s school.

Encourage your children to be their own person by having activities or hobbies that help them connect with and make supportive friends. If your children are having a hard time coping, counselling can also be a good idea.

Other Reading

For stories on growing up with an autistic sibling, please read

Supporting Siblings in Families with Autism

Focus on Young Siblings: Growing Up with an Autistic Sibling

Focus on Adult Siblings: Navigating the Future

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