Navigating Intimate Relationships As An Autistic Adult
Introduction
Intimate relationships are important for our overall health and well-being. For autistic adults, these relationships come with unique challenges and opportunities. Understanding boundaries, safety, and consent is key to having healthy relationships.
Relationships are different for everyone. What works for one person might not work for another. It’s important to know what makes you feel good in a relationship and to find partners who can meet these needs while you meet theirs.
Understanding Autism and Intimacy
Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how a person perceives and interacts with the world. Autistic people often face unique challenges in social and communication settings, which can make forming close relationships difficult. Despite these challenges, autistic individuals can succeed in relationships. However, navigating sex, sexuality, and relationships may be confusing or overwhelming for some.
Disclosing Your Autism to a Partner
Deciding whether to tell your partner about your autism can be tough. Sharing this information can help them understand your behaviour better, but there’s no guarantee they will accept you. Some people still believe that those with autism cannot have successful relationships.
Testing the Waters: Before disclosing, you can test their reaction by discussing autism-related topics and seeing how they respond.
Timing: Choose a time when both you and your partner are calm and can have an uninterrupted conversation. Early disclosure can set a foundation for understanding, but it’s important to choose a time that feels right for you.
Keeping Secrets: While it might seem easier to keep your diagnosis a secret, doing so can harm your relationship. Your partner might feel you don’t trust them or are hiding something serious, like an affair.
Your Body, Your Choice: You decide what to share about your body. However, you must inform others if it affects their safety. For instance, not sharing that you have a sexually-transmitted disease such as herpes is not acceptable because it can harm your partner if they get infected.
Communication in Healthy Relationships
Clear and honest communication is crucial for healthy relationships. Autistic individuals often face challenges in understanding others’ thoughts and nonverbal cues, as well as expressing their own feelings. These issues can slow down the development of close relationships and make building empathy and trust difficult. Both autistic people and their loved ones can struggle to understand each other.
In neurotypical couples, communication includes verbal, written, emotional, and nonverbal forms. Autistic people may not interpret or use all these forms effectively. Therefore, both partners should aim to be as direct and clear as possible, avoiding hints or suggestions.
Understanding Boundaries and Consent
What Do Boundaries and Consent Mean?
Boundaries
Boundaries are the limits or rules that people set to protect their personal space, emotional well-being, and autonomy in a relationship. They define what behaviour is okay and what is not.
Consent
Consent means agreeing clearly and willingly to do something. It must be given freely and without pressure.
Key Principles of Consent
1. Voluntary: Consent must be given freely, without pressure or manipulation.
2. Informed: Both parties must have all the necessary information to make a decision.
3. Reversible: Consent can be withdrawn at any time, and all parties must respect that decision.
4. Specific: Consent for one activity does not imply consent for another.
Importance of Boundaries and Consent in Relationships
Adults with autism can sometimes misinterpret social cues, which can lead to misunderstandings. It’s important to respect people’s boundaries to avoid being accused of harassment. For example, if someone with autism asks a person out and they say no, it’s important to accept that answer. Continuing to ask them out after they have said no can make them uncomfortable and might be seen as harassment or stalking. Respect their decision and move on to avoid making things awkward for both.
Relationships develop naturally through various interactions. People with autism have sexual urges and feelings just like everyone else, which makes sex education important. Unfortunately, they often receive less guidance and support due to barriers like ableism and stigmatisation.
Ableism
Ableism is when people with disabilities are treated unfairly or seen as less valuable because of their disability. It includes actions, words, or beliefs that assume people with disabilities are less capable or don’t deserve the same opportunities as others.
Sex does not always lead to love, and love does not always mean you need to have sex. People with autism should be cautious of others who might falsely claim to be in love just to get sex. Remember, you do not have to have sex just because you are in a relationship or someone shows interest in you. If someone truly loves you, they will respect your wishes.
When someone says no to sex, it means no. Ignoring this is not only hurtful but is also considered a serious crime with severe consequences. Similarly, if someone is pushing you to do something you’re not comfortable with, remember that you never have to do anything without your consent, regardless of your gender.
Remember these key principles of consent: it must be given freely, with full understanding, for a specific activity, and can be taken back at any time. Always ask for permission before any romantic or sexual activity. If you’re unsure, ask directly and politely. Never pressure your partner into anything they don’t want, and don’t let anyone pressure you into doing anything without your consent either.
Safety in Relationships
Some people may exploit their relationship with you for their own benefit. Recognising abusive behaviours is crucial to your emotional and physical safety. Common behaviours of abusive partners include:
- Publicly embarrassing and humiliating you, including online
- Threatening you or themselves if you try to leave
- Ignoring your feelings and showing physical abuse (e.g., beating, restraint)
- Controlling your actions, isolating you from family and friends, or restricting access to money
- Making excuses for their behaviour and avoiding responsibility
- Criticising behaviours related to your autism
- Withholding affection and approval as punishment
- Claiming they are the only one who will be in a relationship with you
- Excessively criticising your social skills or eye contact
- Treating the relationship unequally
- Showing irrational jealousy and fixating on affairs
- Promising to stop the abuse but never following through
Feeling emotionally and physically safe in a relationship is essential. If you believe you are in an abusive relationship, talk to someone that you trust such as a family member, close friend, or a mental health professional.
Conclusion
References
- Autism Speaks – Romantic Relationships for Young Adults with ASD
Offers practical advice and strategies for navigating romantic relationships. - The National Autistic Society – Socialising and Relationships
Provides guidance on relationships for autistic individuals, including practical tips and resources. - Reframing Autism – Dating and Relationships
Offers information and resources from the perspective of people with autism. - Psychology Today – Autism and Relationships
Features articles and expert advice on navigating relationships for autistic individuals. - Boundaries Workbook by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
A workbook providing exercises and advice on establishing and maintaining boundaries and consent.