Talking About Sexuality with Your Autistic Child

 

Introduction

Have you noticed your child starting to be curious about their body? This is natural, but talking about sexuality can seem tough, especially for parents of autistic children who already face communication challenges.

Many parents are unsure how to start this conversation because it feels awkward, or they worry about getting it wrong. However, not talking about these things can confuse your child and make things harder as they grow up.

This article will help Malaysian parents have open and positive discussions about sexuality with their autistic children. We will share simple tips, answer common questions, and help you feel more confident about handling these important topics.

Penis, Testicles, Vulva: How A Five-Years-Old Learns About Private Parts and Body Safety

A short video produced by The Straits Times (Singapore) about sexuality and body safety education in pre-schools

Understanding Sexuality in Young Autistic Children

Humans are sexual beings from the day they are born to the day they die. Children are naturally curious about their own bodies and others. They like to explore and touch, but their understanding of sexual desire differs from that of adults. Recognising this helps parents handle their children’s questions and actions better.

It’s important to start these conversations early, especially for children with autism, who might need more time to get used to changes during puberty. Starting early helps reduce their fear or upset about changes in their bodies and makes sure they feel supported.

Children may exhibit behaviours, like removing their clothes at unexpected moments, which will be inappropriate as they grow older. It’s easier to address these behaviours before puberty begins.

The Importance of Sexuality Education

Learning about sexuality is very important. It teaches children what parts of the body are private, what kind of touching is okay or not, and that people can look different from each other. For children with autism, this kind of education is crucial. It can prevent abuse and wrong behaviours and helps them understand themselves better.

Parents of autistic children are often busy with everyday chores like getting ready in the morning or dealing with school and might put off talking about sexuality. But waiting too long is not good. Some people think children with disabilities don’t have sexual feelings or thoughts, which isn’t true. Not talking about sexuality can lead to confusion and wrong information.

Teaching children about sexuality helps them know their rights and stay safe. Starting these talks early and supporting them fully ensures that children grow up informed and protected, which is important for their emotional and social development.

Starting the Conversation

Sexuality education should start early, providing age-appropriate information without overwhelming the child. This should be spread across multiple sessions over the years, revisiting topics to reinforce learning.

Both parents should lead these discussions, adapting them to their child’s maturity level. Delaying these talks might result in teenagers being less willing to engage and potentially already being sexually active. It’s also important for teachers and key role models such as youth leaders to also contribute, creating a consistent and supportive learning environment

Start by teaching children about their bodies, how to protect themselves from abuse, and understanding puberty. As they grow, discussions can advance to relationships and more complex issues.

Key Topics to Cover

1. Anatomy and Body Awareness

Teaching children about their bodies can start as young as three years old. Here are some simple ways to do it:

  • Use correct names: Teach them the correct names for all body parts, including private parts like genitals.
  • Explain functions: Explain what these parts do, like the uterus, ovaries, bladder, and bowel.
  • Discuss differences: Show how boys’ and girls’ bodies are similar yet different, and that all bodies come in different shapes and sizes. It’s okay for everyone to look different.
  • Use everyday moments: Use everyday moments, like bath time or when they are getting dressed, to teach the names and functions of body parts.
  • Visual aids: Use simple line drawings of the human body, children’s books, or videos to help explain things clearly.
  • Importance of privacy: Emphasise the importance of privacy and explain which parts are private.
  • Appropriate behaviour: Explain that some parts may feel good when touched but stress the importance of privacy and appropriate behaviour.

Help kids learn that bodies are private [with Scoops & Friends]


Help children learn that private parts are private with this educational video.

AMAZE is a resource website offering children and adolescents honest, age-appropriate sex education. It provides educational materials like short videos, animations, and webinars to help adults discuss sex and sexuality effectively with young people.

Access their YouTube channels at AMAZE Parents and AMAZE Org (youth-facing) for curated playlists on sexuality and relationships.

2. Preparing for Puberty

Autistic children might need extra help understanding puberty. Teach them early, before changes start, and explain how these changes will affect them personally and socially. Emphasise the importance of personal safety and privacy.

Puberty changes a child’s body into an adult’s. Boys and girls experience these changes differently. During puberty, children grow taller, develop body hair, and girls begin menstruation. Use simple language and pictures to explain these changes clearly.

It’s important to discuss the emotional and mental aspects of going through puberty as well. Explain why their feelings will change as they get older. Talk about what makes them feel good or bad, how to understand others’ feelings, and how to cope with strong emotions.

Explain that as they go through puberty, they might start to feel more sexual and develop romantic feelings towards their peers. Discuss that adults have sex, which is natural and healthy, but sexual behaviour, like masturbation and intercourse, is private.

Answer questions honestly and directly. This will show your child that puberty and sexuality are not something to be embarrassed about and that they can trust you to give them the right answers. If you don’t know the answer, be honest and say so. Develop a standard response for inappropriate moments, like “That’s a good question. Let’s talk about it once we get home,” and make sure to address the question later.

By starting early and using clear explanations, you can help your child feel more prepared and supported during puberty.

3. Public and Private Body Parts, Spaces and Activities

Autistic children need clear, direct explanations to understand the difference between public and private body parts, spaces and activities. Knowing these distinctions helps them understand what’s appropriate in private but not in public. Encourage your child to talk to trusted adults like mum, dad, teachers, or doctors if they have concerns.

Social norms change based on context, so be explicit. For example, discussing “private” body parts is okay at home with a parent but not with a friend. It’s also not appropriate to discuss them in public spaces, even with a parent, even if other body parts are being discussed.

Here are some strategies to help your child understand the difference between public and private:

• Public vs private rooms: Explain which rooms are public and which are private. For instance, bedrooms are private.

• Private activities: Discuss what’s okay to do in public and what should be done in private. For example, “When I go to the toilet, I should shut the door.” Teach your child that undressing or masturbating should only happen in private rooms, like their bedroom.

• Visual schedules: Use pictures showing your child walking into the toilet, closing the door, using the toilet, washing hands, and leaving. Keep the schedule visible, like next to the bathroom sink.

• Respect privacy: Ensure everyone knows to knock before entering a bedroom and make sure visitors to your home are aware of this rule.

Public and private places activity for children with intellectual disability


Support your child to learn about public and private places at home and in the community using cards and images.

Planet Puberty is an Australian digital resource by Family Planning NSW for parents and carers of children with intellectual disabilities or autism. It offers the latest information, strategies, and resources to support children through puberty. It was co-designed with adults with intellectual disability and/or autism spectrum disorder.

4. Personal Boundaries and Safety

Teaching your child about personal boundaries helps them understand how to behave around others and recognise what is acceptable. Autistic children may be particularly vulnerable to sexual abuse if they don’t recognise when something is not right.

Recognising Warning Signs
Children’s bodies give them warning signs when something is wrong, or they don’t feel safe. These signs can occur in many unsafe situations, including sexually unsafe ones. It’s important for children to recognise these signs to stay safe. Autistic children may find it more challenging to identify these warning signs.

To learn more about how to help autistic children recognize these internal body signals, refer to
Understanding Interoception: Helping Autistic Individuals Sense Internal Body Feelings.

5. Safe Touch vs. Unsafe Touch

It’s important to explain that personal boundaries include rules about who can touch their body and when. You need to explicitly teach your child the difference between safe touch and unsafe touch.

For instance, a safe touch might be a hug from a loved one or a doctor’s examination, whereas an unsafe touch could be a stranger asking for a kiss or someone touching their private parts without a good reason or their consent. Establish clear rules, like only parents or doctors can touch a child’s genitals for health reasons.

It’s also important to explain that what feels like a safe touch for one person might not feel the same for another. For example, one person might enjoy being tickled, while another might not. Similarly, it’s okay to kiss a close friend or family member hello, but not a stranger.

Using visual aids can make these concepts clearer. A picture showing a hug from a friend with a green tick and a hug from a stranger with a red cross can help distinguish good and bad touches.

Activities like a “circle of friends” can further help your child understand personal boundaries. Explicitly teach them about consent, emphasising that they have the right to say no to any touch that makes them uncomfortable.

Social stories can describe situations where someone might act inappropriately, helping your child understand what to do. Teach them to tell a trusted adult, like a parent or teacher, if something happens.

Online safety is another crucial aspect. Explain to your child that not everything on the internet is suitable for them, especially images of naked people or sex. Discuss that pornography exaggerates sexuality and is not a good way to learn about sex. Teach them about cyber safety and how to use their mobile phones responsibly.

ASERT – Be Safe: Okay and Not Okay Touches Social Story
Living with Autism – downloadable social stories about personal safety including explaining who are trusted adults and good touch vs bad touch.

5. Safe Touch vs. Unsafe Touch

It’s important to explain that personal boundaries include rules about who can touch their body and when. You need to explicitly teach your child the difference between safe touch and unsafe touch.

For instance, a safe touch might be a hug from a loved one or a doctor’s examination, whereas an unsafe touch could be a stranger asking for a kiss or someone touching their private parts without a good reason or their consent. Establish clear rules, like only parents or doctors can touch a child’s genitals for health reasons.

It’s also important to explain that what feels like a safe touch for one person might not feel the same for another. For example, one person might enjoy being tickled, while another might not. Similarly, it’s okay to kiss a close friend or family member hello, but not a stranger.

Using visual aids can make these concepts clearer. A picture showing a hug from a friend with a green tick and a hug from a stranger with a red cross can help distinguish good and bad touches.

Activities like a “circle of friends” can further help your child understand personal boundaries. Explicitly teach them about consent, emphasising that they have the right to say no to any touch that makes them uncomfortable.

Social stories can describe situations where someone might act inappropriately, helping your child understand what to do. Teach them to tell a trusted adult, like a parent or teacher, if something happens.

Online safety is another crucial aspect. Explain to your child that not everything on the internet is suitable for them, especially images of naked people or sex. Discuss that pornography exaggerates sexuality and is not a good way to learn about sex. Teach them about cyber safety and how to use their mobile phones responsibly.

ASERT – Be Safe: Okay and Not Okay Touches Social Story
Living with Autism – downloadable social stories about personal safety including explaining who are trusted adults and good touch vs bad touch.

Resources

Positive Sex Education for Children and Adolescents
Online Safety
Stories from Parents of Children with Special Needs

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